Mother, Father, and Son

Recently, my son asked me to help him write an essay for school. The topic was related to fatherhood and the role of the father in society. For me, it has been a true life challenge to preserve the authority and to give the role that a father should have in a child’s life—especially in the life of a boy.

As a mother of a boy whom I am raising without the constant presence of his father, I can say that remaining in the role of a mother without stepping into the role of the father has been extremely difficult. But the harder part was preserving the authority, respect, and the institution that the father represents.

The separation was not easy. We did not allow our relationship to affect the child. The bigger problem was that at that time, his father had gone down a path of addictions and destruction. I realized I had two choices: separate the child from his father physically and emotionally, or try not to destroy the bond between them. I knew one thing clearly—my son’s father is HIS father, and I had no right to try to separate them.

When a boy is forbidden from approaching his father, he also feels forbidden from approaching his own masculinity. In such boys, feminine energy often becomes dominant. This is one of the reasons a son may be pushed toward homosexuality—the forbidden access to masculinity.

The mother’s message to the father is often harsh:
“Your father is not good enough. You shouldn’t be like him.”

The child understands this as meaning that it is not good to be a man. And since he depends on his mother, he agrees unconsciously:
“Yes, Mom. I won’t be a man. Men are not good enough.”

One wrong step on my part back then could have led to unimaginable consequences. Unfortunately, unaware and entangled in the stories coming from our own families of origin, we often make mistakes. Some of them literally cost our children their lives.

I will never forget when I had to urgently pick up my son (age 10) from his father. Through tears, he told me, “I don’t want to see him anymore.” My greatest fear had come true. I gathered all my strength and told him:
“This is your father. He is not bad—he is sick and confused. Only love and support can heal him, even if we give it from a distance. We must not abandon him.”

Believe me, no one understood me back then. But today, I am proud of myself. My son is growing into a dignified man who respects both his parents and knows that one half of him is his father, and the other half is me.

Book a personal consultation if:

• You are separated from your partner and need guidance regarding your child;
• You have problems with a former partner and have no access to your child;
• You are torn by anger and do not know how to forgive and accept the other parent in your heart.

Write to me and book an in-person consultation.

Here I will once again repeat that the difference between a good coach and an exceptional one lies in experience.

Thank you.